Tag Archives: Biblical womanhood

Desire and Submission

Posted on by
3

Like most women I have my seasons. There are times when my husband and I hum along, we show our love and affection, he leads our home, I’m responsive, helping, encouraging, and when tension rises, I submit joyfully and peaceably. Usually it’s with, “honey, do what you think is right for us.”

Then just as surely as the moon follows the sun come the other seasons. We start lurching, he may not be leading (at least in my eyes), I’m stumbling all over the place—and instead of responding with a peaceable spirit and a soft answer I turn into the clamorous woman of Proverbs—no more submission there.

I was freed to have a warmer, Christ–like submission toward my husband, when I was able to identify more clearly what was coming between me and the hurt and pride that would stop me from submitting to him. What was coming between us were my unmet desires and expectations. I am called by Ephesians 5 to submit to my husband. Submission is a heart orientation. When you look at the totality of Ephesians you stand back in awe of all that Christ has done for his Bride the Church. Then in Ephesians 5:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

When you are awestruck by Christ’s humility, his gentle, peaceable and quiet spirit, and his submission to the Father, and then the Holy Spirit turns to you in the words of Eph. 5.22–24 and says do this, how can the words of Phil. 2:4–8 fail to come to mind?

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

—Phil. 2:4–8

So this submission orientation I am to have toward my husband is all about being like Jesus. I fail at it, but Jesus knows that. It doesn’t surprise him. I don’t disgust him. He reminds me that all the times I fail at having a submissive heart orientation toward my husband, were paid for on the cross, just like every single one of my other sins.

We are convicted that when Scripture says in Gen. 3:16, “Your desire shall be for your husband,” it means I desire my husband, and this desire leads to expectations that no earthly husband can meet. Because we see the curse this way, we are learning to better understand ourselves and understand why we break down at times. We understand what leads to my lack of submissive heart orientation toward him. It has helped me to be clear when I fail and I am better able to say things like: “honey, I’m not trying to control your schedule, I’m just really needy right now.”

There is no perfect marriage on earth, and Jesus knows that. Even his Bride (the Church) sins against him. He knew that too and he loved Her and saved Her anyway. And one day we will be with him.

Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Eph. 5:25–27

For a fantastic message on love and submission and Ephesians 5 check out this talk by Dr. D.A. Carson Family: Husbands and Wives, Love and Submission, Christ and the Church

 

How A Woman Can Think About Union In Christ

Posted on by
1

One of the biggest thrusts, if not the overarching theme of Gospel Grace is a woman’s identity in Christ. My post You Do Not Belong To Your Children, You Belong To Christ continues to be hit every day. This is not surprising. Every day women get bombarded with ideas, obvious and subtle, on who they should be. The messages are mixed and they come from all corners. Whether it’s the culture of the world or the culture of the Church, (and the countless veins within each) the propaganda and advice can be dizzying and confusing.

I am convinced that the breakdown in our understanding of human identity today is a lack of understanding and living out of our union with Christ. 

We are given all sorts of mixed messages on who men and women ought to be. Setting aside the distinctness of being and roles, there is one answer which Scripture gives us to the question of identity for men and women: To be conformed to the image of his Son. (Romans 8:29)

As women, we need wisdom to see that the images of women the secular culture gives us are lies. We also must be discerning about the voices inside the Church. Different segments of the Church sometimes give conflicting or inadequate messages to women.

We may have many earthly identities: single, married, wife, mother, daughter, friend, sister, butcher, baker, candlestick-maker, etc. etc. However, there is a wider and deeper reality than all of this: A Christian woman is in union with Christ. A Christian woman is in Christ. THAT is our objective reality. It is Christ who defines person-hood.

As a first principle this is where we need to start as Christian humans. All thought, and the subsequent actions from that thought, should come from our union with Christ. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Cor. 5:17)

Let me end with just one example (there are many) of how our understanding of our union with Christ affects our everyday life. As a wife, I submit to my husband according to Ephesians 5 because of the fact that I am united to Christ. I submit because Christ submitted to the Father and I am in Christ. All the secondary and tertiary reasons for why we are called to submit are of no value unless we fully internalize what it means to be in Christ. Moreover, there is no greater motivation or power to live in line with this section of Scripture except the knowledge of my union with Christ. Saying that it is in the Bible does not make this Scripture effective. Claiming to be a complementarian does not make these verses effective. What makes all the realities of new life effective, is our union with Christ.

Here are ways a woman can think about union in Christ:

  • If you are a Christian you were chosen by the Father before the creation of the universe and before anything existed, even before you existed. Your union with Christ has its roots in divine election. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.” (Ephesians 1:3–4) Hoekema, Saved by Grace pages 55-57
  • Your union with Christ is based on his redemptive work. Christ came to earth to save his people. “You are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” (Matt. 1:21). Hoekema, Saved by Grace pages 57-59
  • Your actual union with Christ began at regeneration. At regeneration (new birth-when your spirit was made alive) the Holy Spirit brings you into a living union with Christ. “he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit” (Titus 3:5) Hoekema, Saved by Grace pages 59-60
  • Throughout your life you appropriate your union with Christ through faith. That is, we exercise/seize/make our own/live out our new lives in Christ, through faith. “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20) Hoekema, Saved by Grace page 60
  • Our justification (where God declares us “not guilty,” forgiving all our sins, and at the same time imputing all of Christ’s obedience and righteousness to us as if we have always obeyed) is inseparable from our union with Christ. “And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption,” (1 Corinthians 1:30) “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1) “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace” (Ephesians 1:7) “and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ–the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith” (Philippians 3:9) Hoekema, Saved by Grace page 61
  • We are sanctified (the progressive work of the Holy Spirit over our lifetime to conform us to the image of Christ—hence bearing spiritual fruit) through our union with Christ. “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:4–5) Hoekema, Saved by Grace page 62
  • We persevere (endure, persist, remain steadfast) in our faith because of our union with Christ. “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39) Hoekema, Saved by Grace page 63
  • We die in Christ. “For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.” (Romans 14:8) Hoekema, Saved by Grace page 63
  • We are raised with Christ already and not yet. In one sense our new self has already begun at regeneration. At the same time we will be resurrected as our glorified selves at Christ’s return. “Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.” (1 John 3:2) Hoekema, Saved by Grace page 64
  • We will live in eternity with Christ as glorified women. “For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.” (1 Thessalonians 4:16–17) Hoekema, Saved by Grace page 64

From Feminism through Patriarchy, How I Made My Way To Complementarity

Posted on by
4

I know this is a topic that has become a cause of schism in the church today. For some it brings out fear, confusion and even anger. For others, it tempts them to self-righteous judgmentalism; still others are tempted to self-righteous judgmentalism about others’ self-righteous judgmentalism. Many are speaking truths, but some speak truths in a way that dishonors God and disrespects brothers and sisters in Christ. As I took communion this week I thought of the Body of Christ (the entire global Church) and what that’s supposed to mean. I thought about how I will be spending eternity in perfect communion with people whom I presently don’t see eye–to–eye. Someday, my errors and theirs will be erased in our clear vision of Christ. I thought about our Lord Jesus Christ—Redeemer, humble servant, friend to the broken, our elder brother, and the head of us—His Body, His Church. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I seek to lift up his name and glorify him.

BACKGROUND

Growing up I was raised in an egalitarian home with strong Iraqi Christian morals. This may sound surprising and even contradictory if you don’t know Iraqi culture, so let me explain. On one level there was a strong Arabic Christian traditional culture, and on another level there was a certain amount of what some may call egalitarian thinking in my parents. As my dad has tried to explain to me, most Christian men (as opposed to the men of the Muslim culture—although there are exceptions in nominally Muslim homes ) treated their wives with a great deal of dignity and respect. There are exceptions of course. There are always those (from any culture) who would abuse, disrespect, and denigrate women, but in general there was a higher level of respect and equal treatment by Christian men of Christian women.

Iraqi society, in large part because of the British colonial years before succumbing to mid-to-late 20th-century Islamism and pan-Arabism, embraced Western ideals in a way that led to a highly educated and career-minded female populace. After coming to America, my father, in trying to protect and guide me in an unfamiliar and now fully Western culture, and to help me secure a safe and stable future, guided me through encouragement: He told me that I needed to be strong and courageous, go to school, be a doctor or a lawyer, and be able to protect myself. My father did all of this out of his love, care, and protection for me. He didn’t want me swallowed up by a culture that he felt was depraved and sexually licentious. At some point in my life I took my dad’s well-meaning, loving advice and kind of merged it with the feministic tendencies in the surrounding culture. Assumptions about equal opportunity turned into expectations of feministic ascendancy.

When I woke up to the fact that the Bible did speak of intrinsic and immutable differences between men and women, I wanted to put my life more in line with Scripture, and I swung hard toward a patriarchal model of family and society. There was no shortage of materials to read in support of this view, and I believed pretty much everything I read. I did not have a firm Biblical foundation of my own from which to be a Berean about what I was reading. I began equating patriarchal standards with Biblical standards as if that was the one and only truly godly way of living.

The Biblically mandated headship of the husband and submission of the wife began to drift toward a high-stakes game of “Simon Says,” with God and my husband taking turns as Simon. Jesus may have founded the Church, but in our household we saw our task as one of parsing all sorts of do’s and don’ts with which to bind our consciences, believing that that was “the Christian life.” Among these of course were lists of expectations and prohibitions for what women and girls could do.

Then, a couple years ago, Christ opened our eyes to the fact that we had forgotten him and had been running after our idols. I was convicted of taking in and believing so much of what I had imbibed without testing everything against the Word of God. I had allowed a group of proof texts to outweigh the larger message about the nature and character of our God. Any doctrine that marginalizes the person and work of Jesus Christ (even without deliberately intending to) will in the end result in Christ being de-throned in the heart, and this is exactly what had happened.

STUDYING THE ISSUES

At this point, I have this picture I put together that helps me understand what the Bible’s story of redemptive history says about work and gender roles in the family, community, and the church, before and after the Fall, and before and after Christ’s redemption of his creation. It incorporates many of the same verses so often used as proof texts all around, but I think I am placing them into alignment with everything the Bible tells us about the person and character of God. It’s nothing fancy, but it helps me to disentangle my thought-knots and helps me to see some things clearly for myself. This has been good for my growth as a woman, the maturity of my marriage and the example I am trying to set for my children.

I started thinking of a model that follows the pattern of Creation—Fall—Re-creation. As I look at the entirety of the Canon of Scripture with a salvation-historical lens, I am seeing male–female issues in terms of:

CREATION

Created with equality of dignity and honor and distinctness of being and roles

  • Gen. 1:27—Both created in the image of God, male and female to image the fulness of the Godhead
  • Gen. 1:28—Both blessed and given the dominion mandate together. There is no hierarchy regarding the dominion mandate. It was given to both equally. (This is why it’s important for singles (men and women) to be productive and obey the dominion mandate serving the Lord in whatever calling he has on their lives. The dominion mandate is for all mankind, married or not)
  • God uses the term “ezer” (suitable/fitting helper, co-laborer) to describe the woman—wife—he made for Adam, distinguishing her from him

FALL

The curse and its consequences.

Although each curse is distinct, each also affects both men and women. Sometimes both actually suffer the same curse directly, sometimes they suffer the results of the other’s being cursed.

  • Gen. 3:16—A three-pronged curse upon the woman:
    • Increased pain in childbirth
    • Woman will inordinately desire/long after man (this unhealthy longing can orient her in a slavish way to him, the way any idol make slaves out of us)
    • Man will “rule over” (as opposed to “lead”) woman (the Fall brings with it the curse of perverted authority)
  • Gen. 3:17–19—A three–pronged curse upon the man:
    • Ground is cursed and therefore will not be worked and harvested easily and with abundance
    • Labor is grueling
    • Man’s body will die

Re-Creation/Redemption

Through the death and resurrection of Christ we are raised/re-created in equal dignity and honor, with distinctness in being and roles, in the current age.

The “current age” is before the final eschaton when all things will be glorified and re-configured (e.g. there is no marriage in the new heavens and the new earth)

  • Luke 8:1–3, Luke 10:38-42—Christ:
    • Redeems women
    • Heals women
    • Allows women to be his disciples (not the 12 apostles)
    • Accepts their help and financial support
    • Teaches women and encourages them to learn
  • Roles in the home. With Christ at the center of their relationship, and as the example of loving headship, home and family decisions (e.g. work, education etc.) are worked out between husbands and wives together for the flourishing of their household. The husband is head, and leads, but he is oriented with a servant’s heart toward the good of the wife and family. He acts in a way such that her voice is heard and her needs are met, including her need for following the dominion mandate. There are many relationships that do not fit a tidy mold. There are also relationships where one of the spouses is not Christian. Everything is lived out through prayer and wisdom before God; this is not a one-size fits all. The following verses serve well when both husband and wife are Christian, as they seek to honor Christ
    • Eph. 5:22-24 (Part of the redemption of Gen. 3:16—tempered Christ–like servant authority)
      • Wives submit to your own husbands
      • Husbands love your as Christ loves and serves the Church
    • Col. 3:18–19 (Part of the redemption of Gen. 3:16—tempered Christ–like servant authority)
      • Wives submit to husbands as is fitting in the Lord
      • Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them
    • Gal. 3:28—There is no partiality before God, male and female are one under Christ regarding salvation. There is NO hierarchy here. The woman does not go through the man to get to Christ. All have equal and direct access to Jesus as Lord and to God the Father and to the Holy Spirit.
    • 1Peter 3:7—Co-heirs of the grace of life
  • Ecclesiastical roles
    • 1 Timothy 2-3:
      • Women may not be elders/pastors
      • Women may be deacons as long as that office in that particular church does not include teaching authority (See also Rom. 16.1)
    • Paul many times references women as fellow workers in Christ, or fellow workers in the gospel (partial list: Rom. 16:3, 6, 12)
    • “Labored side by side with me in the gospel” Phil. 4:3

For us personally, this flowed out of a focus on Christ and the work of the gospel in our lives. Everything flows from the gospel in the new covenant, the gospel changes everything—personal identity, orientation to God, how I work, how I parent, how I orient myself to my spouse, how I engage culture, how I worship, and so on and so forth. This has been my journey, and this is where, by the grace of God, I am now.

Fanning Into Flame the Gift of God

Posted on by
5

I am sitting in the living room; my thirteen year old is taking a break from her drawing to put away some dishes, my eight year old is playing “business,” and my little boys (4 1/2 and 17 mo.) are roaring at each other and making whatever other noises little boys like to make. Someone comes to me to “tell” on someone else and my husband responds with “please give mom some time to write.” This is real life, with real children and a real husband and wife. A family learning how to overcome temptations and sins. A family learning how to love and serve each other more than we love and serve ourselves. A family trying to keep the evangel at the center of our family culture and life together. My husband brought me a cup of espresso and now has all the kids at the kitchen table eating fruit and talking about the city of Troy (I have no idea how that conversation started). I’m supposed to be writing about the excellencies of Christ… but instead I want to write to you about being faithful with gifts and talents in the midst of executing our role as wife and mother.

This morning I posted 2 Timothy 1:7 as today’s Lord’s Day Quote.

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

I have been thinking about this verse since my husband and I watched Don Carson’s session Preserving the Gospel from The Gospel Coalition Women’s Conference last night. Set within the context of the entire passage Dr. Carson was teaching from (2 Timothy 1:3–2:2) Paul is encouraging Timothy to “fan into flame the gift of God.” I’ve thought a lot lately on how we women in general, and mothers in particular, are to “fan into flame the gift of God” without timidity, but with power, love and self-discipline.

Just like men, women made in the image of God are called to a variety of vocations, gifts and callings. When and if the Lord calls us to be wives and mothers we must seek to learn how to fulfill our gifts and talents within those distinct roles. I have learned a lot over the last few years as I’ve meditated on the parable of the talents. I’ve thought about times when I’ve squandered and/or buried my “talents.”  I’ve thought about times when I have slacked on my duties as wife and mother to pursue selfish desires. I’ve even had many years of burying and denying all talents on the altar of motherhood because of a truncated view of the gospel.

If you happen to be a wife and mother, at some point you get told that “you can’t have it all,” and certainly not all in the same season. You get told that the road of motherhood and wifehood is a season that changes. And that is all true to a certain degree, at the level of a cultural proverb. But as Christian women, we are to search for gospel answers to our questions. I don’t know about other women, but frankly, I am not persuaded nor satisfied with proverbial wisdom. I want to know how the gospel answers my questions. I want to know how a woman who seeks to keep the cross of Christ at the center fleshes out a gospel-empowered life. I want to know how I can “fan into flame the gift of God” while simultaneously being a good steward of my home, and loving and serving my husband and children.

My husband coined a phrase just for me, mimicking the style of Don Carson: “Being a wife and mother is much more than caring for the house and kids, but it’s certainly not less than that.” (The Carsonian turn of phrase can easily become the basis for a parlor game: “Being a Christian is much more than loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength… but it’s certainly not less than that,” or, “being a Christian woman is much more than being a woman, but it’s certainly not less than that…”) These baseline standards and aspirational directions create the space in which we live, and present us with both tensions and resting places.

Women are disciples of Christ also, right along with men. The gospels make that clear (see Luke 8:1–3). We are co-heirs of the gracious gift of life (1Peter 3:7) and we receive the gospel without partiality  (Gal. 3:26-29). The entirety of the Word of God applies to us. These things do not stop or get put “on hold” during the season of motherhood. We can never stop pursuing Christ first, not even when God in his goodness blesses us with a husband and children. Our fidelity belongs to Jesus Christ, from there all our doings flow.

“Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever lose his life for my sake will find it.”

—Matthew 10:37–39

Now, by no means do we abandon our families. God forbid! But neither can we allow anything to eclipse our devotion to Christ. And this then, is the tension in which gospel women find themselves in—it is a tension built into our roles and calling, put there by our Creator. I submit to you that it is precisely this tension which is meant to drive us to the Cross first and foremost! It is this tension that is the means of our sanctification. It is this tension built into our everyday life that pushes us to (or should push us to) complete reliance and devotion to Jesus—and from that place, at the foot of the cross, we are to rise and do our Lord’s bidding. Whether it is time to change a diaper, run a load of laundry, or “fan into flame the gift of God.”

The Fearful Parent

Posted on by
13

I was feeling sorry for myself and gripped by the fear of fear yesterday after reading The Fearful Pastor by Paul Tripp, which is not the gospel-centered response, I know. But I’m not going to lie about it. I was having a serious pity party with guilt, anxious hand-wringing and tears to boot. I am writing this post not only as a way to mortify that fearful and unfaithful response in my soul—O how I long to drive a nail in those sins and weaknesses that have plagued me and beleaguered my walk with Christ for so long—but out of love for Jesus and for his Church I want to use this to warn and exhort.

I wrote over at TGC about a time in my life when I was consumed with becoming a “godly” wife–mother–homemaker, but that good desire wasn’t rooted in the gospel, it was deeply rooted in fear. Fear of grace, fear of the culture, fear of sin, fear of “the world,” fear of what other families thought of my parenting, fear of any church that wasn’t “like-minded” with me on every jot and tittle, fear of “government schools,” fear of those preaching what I thought was “too much grace” instead of concentrating on “godly living,” and on and on and on. But by his grace, Jesus Christ reawakened a deep and all-consuming love for himself in my heart two years ago this September, and my life has not been the same since. Yesterday I came across this in Paul Tripp’s article: “How many of us regularly work to recast as acts of faith things that we have actually done out of fear?” I saw those years of parenting for what they really were: Acts of fear not of faith. Memories came flooding in along with guilt and remorse for those years where my parenting came from all manner of fear rather than faith in Jesus Christ, the savior and redeemer of parents and children alike.

Yesterday, my eighteen year old came over for dinner. This was a few hours after I had read The Fearful Pastor. By this time I was already torturing myself with how I ruined her by my gospel-subversive, fearful, “be holy for God is holy” parenting style. As the oldest, she was at a crucial and impressionable age when I had gospel amnesia and our parenting was grounded in everything but the gospel. The little girl who used to have an autographed picture of Sally Ride on her dresser is now a young adult who struggles with her own fears. Why? Because I, as her model of woman and mother, shrunk the Kingdom of God to the parameters of home only. All house rules were founded upon fear of “the world” instead of fear of Jesus the Transformer and Redeemer of culture. The name of the game was how insular can we get and how far can we get away from the big bad world and the worldly culture in the church. I used to fool myself by calling it a “conquest by retreat.” I liked to spout off about how the Lordship of Christ extended into all of life and throw out that Kuyperian jargon, but when it came down to every day life in the home, it was as isolated and detached from the world (and even from some of the church community) as you can get.

It wasn’t until some time early this morning that I really felt my fear of fear being finally released. Spending time in Isaiah reminded me that although I am like that “worm Jacob” yet the Lord will uphold me with his righteous right hand, my Redeemer is the Holy One, the only Savior. He is God and there is no other. He WILL redeem my fearful parenting, past, present, and future! And although I am loath to use isolated verses, the Spirit speaks and presses upon me Matthew 15:28, “…O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire…”

Do you have your own fears as a parent? Maybe worldliness isn’t your bogeyman, maybe some other fear. You can not save your children through fearful parenting! I urge you to lay it down at the Cross, at the feet of the One who has conquered all things, and rise up victorious, letting faith in the gospel be your parental driving force. By his wounds you are healed.

To Sit Like Mary

Posted on by
2

For a couple of months now I’ve had a draft started about Mary and Martha, but after I wrote that little post about watching TGCW12, I sat and stared at that sentence: “to sit and learn like Mary.” I thought of all the different ways the Lord invites us to come to him: with needs, with tears, with complaints, with an anxious heart, with a quiet heart, sitting still, listening, and learning. You can probably think of other ways you have gone to sit at Jesus’ feet.

I also noticed that Scripture does not record Mary responding to Martha. When Martha accused Mary of not getting up to help, Mary did not defend herself. Nor did she throw any remark or taunt back at her sister. The Lord Jesus defended Mary and rebuked Martha (even though he loved Martha also). Mary was content to let the words of Jesus be her defense.

Jesus justified Mary, and Mary rested in that justification. To sit and learn, is the better part, Jesus said. He is not promoting laziness here, but pointing to a heart orientation. Let us sit and learn at the feet of Jesus.  I love how the NIV has it:

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listing to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’”

—Luke 10:38–42

 

How A Husband Can Spiritually Care For His Wife

Posted on by
1

It was our fifteen year wedding anniversary yesterday (June 7th), which is a beautiful thing except that both of us forgot about it. With five children, each of which seems to be needy in one way or another, all at the same time, NOW. That, along with a heavily scheduled June, my husband’s work deadlines, and my studies and writing projects… well, it just sort of slipped our minds. Of course one of the reasons we forgot is because for months now we have been saying that the trip to Florida for The Gospel Coalition Women’s Conference would also be a fifteen year anniversary trip for us, and since the trip isn’t for another couple of weeks we had sort of thought that our anniversary was still a few weeks out. Ha! We did eventually remember, which is why I am writing this while sitting next to my husband at my favorite cafe in downtown Phoenix. Yes, my husband knows he married a nerd who can sit and read and write at a cafe for hours, and he loves to meet that need of mine. More than just bringing home the bacon, a husband can bring a lot of spiritual “goods” for his wife in his role as provider.

How far does the husband’s role go as spiritual provider? There was a time when my husband and I held to a belief that Ephesians 5 meant that he alone as my earthly husband was responsible for my sanctification and my spiritual feeding. As part of this, we also understood and applied 1 Cor.14:35 woodenly in our lives, without regard for context. (“If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.”)

D.A. Carson is known for reciting this lesson he learned from his father: a text without a context becomes a pretext for a proof text. The way we took to understanding and applying the above verses lead us to believe that a woman could only learn from her husband, so for example, every book and article was supposed to be vetted through him. I say this for background for what I am about to say:

My husband knows now that he is not my “savior” (Jesus is), nor my “sanctifier” (the Holy Spirit is), although the Lord does indeed use our spouses as a means by which we grow in sanctification, they are not the only means, or even the principal means. Even though my husband is commanded to love me sacrificially the way Christ loves the Church, he must know that he is not, nor can he be, the only source of my spiritual growth. He must know that no matter how much he acts in sacrificial love, he can not compare to the finished work of Christ in sanctifying me (or himself). Jesus Christ is the only true source of all of our spiritual maturity. My husband no longer sees it as an undermining of his authority for me to learn from pastors, teachers, women (formally or informally), online sermons, books and so on. He has been amazingly supportive in all the different ways the Lord has been working on my heart and mind. This does not mean that he has backed off or abdicated his responsibility, though, and he sees supporting me and keeping me spiritually fed as one of his central duties in our marriage. This will look different in different marriages, because obviously not all wives or husbands are alike. He still hears and answers the call to “make [me] holy, cleansing [me] by the washing with water through the word” (Eph. 5:26), but he does not get jealous or fearful when I pick up a new book he hasn’t read (or when he sees my latest bills from wtsbooks.com or Amazon…) because he also trusts me.

So as we celebrate fifteen years of marriage, I am so grateful for my husband and all the ways he provides for us. I am looking forward to what the Lord will do in our lives in the next fifteen years, and God willing, even beyond that.

Keeping Up With The Joneses In Sanctification

Posted on by
2

In Competitive Motherhood Tim Challies talked about how social media has become another avenue where women compete with each other. Whether it’s posting the newest craft project on pinterest, or using a blog or Facebook to “update” everyone on what they’re up to, some women have fallen to the temptation of pride and to elicit praise from others,  while other women have fallen to envy, jealousy, covetousness, and a whole host of other sins. This post is not about that particular issue. Moreover, there are many legitimate ways that a woman can share her life with her family and friends that don’t sink to the level of being prideful or competitive. The issue of competitiveness is common to all mankind but it takes on certain flavors in the lives of women.

There is another form of competitiveness that I want to talk about, this is subtle and creeps into our hearts with stealth under the guise of “let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works.” (Hebrews 10:24) A few years ago I watched one of my dear friends really start maturing and growing spiritually. There seemed to be a tangible difference in the way she served her family and in the way she related to her husband. She seemed to be getting stronger and stronger. This was not an act, the Lord was really working in my friend’s life. But instead of rejoicing with her and seeking to learn from her, I became envious. I told myself that it was okay, that we are allowed as Christians to “covet” someone else’s sanctification because it would drive us to try harder and do better and become more spiritually mature ourselves. Of course this was in the heyday of my gospel amnesia years and I had “moved on” from the gospel and was busy growing and becoming “more sanctified” with all those good works. Except that I wasn’t growing, my heart was becoming more darkened with envy. I actually envied my friend’s spiritual growth; I wanted it for myself, and not “in addition” to her, but instead of her! Did you read those words? Is that not sick with sin? If that’s not gospel amnesia I’m not sure what is.

This went on for almost an entire year until one day I couldn’t take the conviction from the Holy Spirit one minute longer. This sin was crushing me, it was so bad I could feel it physically. I called my friend and admitted everything. Of course she forgave me. It’s not like my poor friend hadn’t noticed that I had been irritable with her for almost a year, but she waited patiently for me to come talk to her. She was very longsuffering with me, way more than I had ever been with her, to my shame. Now, I’m certainly not accusing all women everywhere of this type of sin. However, it is real and it needs to be brought out to the light. As long as we keep our little sins hidden in the dark we have no hope of overcoming and standing victorious over them. The entire time I was being eaten by envy over my friend’s spiritual growth, my longsuffering friend had been praying for me. She saw that I was in bondage.

Have you ever felt ashamed or guilty because you just can’t seem to keep up with someone else’s “sanctification” or “spiritual growth?” Have you ever let a few words slip from your lips  (e.g. how many times a week you do family worship, how many children you’re having, what kind of music you listen to, parenting book choices… ad nauseam) to show off how “godly” your family is? I am not talking about honest discussion, I am talking about dropping hints, dropping names, with the express intent to provoke to jealousy and to afflict, doing it out of envy and rivalry. ( See Philippians 1:15-17 for an approximate analogy.) Have you ever grasped glory from God? A heart entangled in this way is not seeking to please God, it is seeking self glory.

Keeping up with the Joneses in sanctification is real and it can do real damage to relationships and to a church body. How does this type of thing come about? How do we get to a point in our Christian walk where we are jealous that God is working in the lives of those around us? How do we forget that it was he who said, “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy?” The answer is: Gospel amnesia. We forget the gospel. We forget the cross which is at the heart of the gospel. We forget the work of Christ.

My friend has long since forgiven me and although we went through some more hard times the Lord has always brought us back together. But I will say this: The only reason we were able to overcome as much as we did was purely because of what Jesus did on that cross. When the two of us started understanding the grace of God and when we became more comfortable with our identities being in Christ, when we became more gospel-focused, that is when our friendship truly deepened, and love, Jesus’ love, covered a multitude of sins.