I was feeling sorry for myself and gripped by the fear of fear yesterday after reading The Fearful Pastor by Paul Tripp, which is not the gospel-centered response, I know. But I’m not going to lie about it. I was having a serious pity party with guilt, anxious hand-wringing and tears to boot. I am writing this post not only as a way to mortify that fearful and unfaithful response in my soul—O how I long to drive a nail in those sins and weaknesses that have plagued me and beleaguered my walk with Christ for so long—but out of love for Jesus and for his Church I want to use this to warn and exhort.
I wrote over at TGC about a time in my life when I was consumed with becoming a “godly” wife–mother–homemaker, but that good desire wasn’t rooted in the gospel, it was deeply rooted in fear. Fear of grace, fear of the culture, fear of sin, fear of “the world,” fear of what other families thought of my parenting, fear of any church that wasn’t “like-minded” with me on every jot and tittle, fear of “government schools,” fear of those preaching what I thought was “too much grace” instead of concentrating on “godly living,” and on and on and on. But by his grace, Jesus Christ reawakened a deep and all-consuming love for himself in my heart two years ago this September, and my life has not been the same since. Yesterday I came across this in Paul Tripp’s article: “How many of us regularly work to recast as acts of faith things that we have actually done out of fear?” I saw those years of parenting for what they really were: Acts of fear not of faith. Memories came flooding in along with guilt and remorse for those years where my parenting came from all manner of fear rather than faith in Jesus Christ, the savior and redeemer of parents and children alike.
Yesterday, my eighteen year old came over for dinner. This was a few hours after I had read The Fearful Pastor. By this time I was already torturing myself with how I ruined her by my gospel-subversive, fearful, “be holy for God is holy” parenting style. As the oldest, she was at a crucial and impressionable age when I had gospel amnesia and our parenting was grounded in everything but the gospel. The little girl who used to have an autographed picture of Sally Ride on her dresser is now a young adult who struggles with her own fears. Why? Because I, as her model of woman and mother, shrunk the Kingdom of God to the parameters of home only. All house rules were founded upon fear of “the world” instead of fear of Jesus the Transformer and Redeemer of culture. The name of the game was how insular can we get and how far can we get away from the big bad world and the worldly culture in the church. I used to fool myself by calling it a “conquest by retreat.” I liked to spout off about how the Lordship of Christ extended into all of life and throw out that Kuyperian jargon, but when it came down to every day life in the home, it was as isolated and detached from the world (and even from some of the church community) as you can get.
It wasn’t until some time early this morning that I really felt my fear of fear being finally released. Spending time in Isaiah reminded me that although I am like that “worm Jacob” yet the Lord will uphold me with his righteous right hand, my Redeemer is the Holy One, the only Savior. He is God and there is no other. He WILL redeem my fearful parenting, past, present, and future! And although I am loath to use isolated verses, the Spirit speaks and presses upon me Matthew 15:28, “…O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire…”
Do you have your own fears as a parent? Maybe worldliness isn’t your bogeyman, maybe some other fear. You can not save your children through fearful parenting! I urge you to lay it down at the Cross, at the feet of the One who has conquered all things, and rise up victorious, letting faith in the gospel be your parental driving force. By his wounds you are healed.
Luma, thank you for fearlessly sharing your heart in this post. I’m encouraged and my faith is strengthened by your persistence in pointing parents to the gospel. Thank you!
Gloria, I have learned much from your courageous spirit.
I think we all fluctuate between fear and peace at times during parenting. I had a prodigal child, and I had terrible fears, but they were fears based in the reality of exactly what the consequences of her rebellion could very possibly entail. Daily, I fluctuated between trusting God and fearing what He would very possibly allow her to go through in order to discipline her. All I could do and can do is pray for God to use whatever means to sanctify my children, and ask for mercy should He deem serious discipline necessary. I wouldn’t say I’m entirely fear free on some days; my job isn’t done even though my children are 23, 20, and 18, but counting on the mercy of God reminds me that every things from Him is good.
Kim, I do understand what you are saying, completely. We have had our share of heartaches. I am deeply grateful to the Lord that my oldest daughter is learning how to “own” her personal relationship with Christ. She lives in town here with my parents and goes to a local church on her own. She knows her Reformed theology and she is learning that she is responsible for her choices. She stumbles and falls just like the rest of us and yes she does bear the marks of my fearful parenting. But I KNOW she is a Christian, and that by the grace of God alone.
Praise God, you have that assurance. My daughter is 23, and she has so many questions still. What is interesting is that she recently finished her Master’s in English and took a seminar called “Evangelical Literature and American Culture.” She learned about the Puritans and Reformed theology, and it’s opened her eyes to some good things. She had to read “The Shack,” which drove her nuts. I continue to pray.
Nevermind 18. I fear most days that we’ve already successfully “ruined” our children at 2 and 4. There is a balance to be struck between seeking to be a godly parent and faithful steward of the treasures our Lord has given us and realizing that these little men are not our creations. (Nor are we to be held entirely responsible for all that they will do, say, and think in their lifetimes.)
I agree, Jo.
We, too, have a large span between our 3 kids… 2 to 16… and I can see a huge difference in how I am parenting our current 2-year-old as opposed to when my oldest was his age. By God’s grace, we were gripped by the gospel several years ago and our parenting has been transforming ever since. Slowly but surely, I am learning how to encourage gospel responses rather than behavior responses in my kids. When I despair that I didn’t learn this sooner, for my older children’s sakes, I trust in the grace of that gospel that I am relearning every day. His grace is sufficient and for both our children and us!
I think that sometime our fears have to do with the areas of sin that we struggled with the most and don’t want to see our kids go through. Like you, I also had my share of gospel amnesia and thankfully I’ve been waking up lately and love to share the gospel with my kids. But I have anxiety attacks at times, thinking about some of the sins that I committed in my “christian” youth, some of the pits I fell into and fear that my kids will fall into the same sins and pits. I start thinking of all the things I can “do” to prevent that happening and suddenly I am parenting from fear again. It is a real fight of faith to rest in Christ when that happens…
Yes, It certainly is a constant fight to focus on faith in Christ instead of the fear of sin. Honestly, this is me preaching to myself because I still fear sin.
I was raised in the kind of culture you describe, and sadly extended it to my own little ones for the first few years. I completely agree, it is rooted in fear! God graciously transformed my heart and although fear may always be the chink in my armor, I can say that I have been freed from the stranglehold it had on my life. Your post is timely for me as I’m working on an e-book on fearless mothering that has sprung out of my own journey.
This I have read and read and been most thankful that the Lord had you write it.
Yes, it is the Lord, praise him for working in this way. I’m so glad you are being blessed through it.